Faculty and administration locked in deadly arms race
(Spoof news article)
This is the first of two spoof news articles inspired by the suspension of loudmouthed SFU Linguistics professor Hector Hammerly for allegedly threatening university administrators and purchasing an illegal stun gun. Controversy grew when it was revealed that the administration had hired a private investigator to monitor Hammerly’s off-campus activities. Enjoy.
Angry and disillusioned with what they see as a threat to their personal safety and academic freedom, Simon Fraser’s loudmouthed professors are banding together to defend themselves against a growing army of private investigators hired by the university’s administration.
They say the administration has hired PIs to keep tabs on the professors’ buildup of weapons to defend themselves against a growing army of private investigators hired by the administration to keep tabs on the profs’ buildup of weapons.
When interviewed, the loudmouthed professors could not agree on whether the situation is escalating or merely spiraling out of control, while the Administration forcefully denied the existence of an escalator or a spiral on the Burnaby campus. The professors, although they could not agree, were much more articulate, however, as loudmouthed English professor Alan Rudrum watched over the proceedings with an AK-47 high-powered assault rifle to ensure that proper grammar was strictly enforced.
Retired Philosophy professor D.D. Todd, the loudmouthed professors’ ringleader and mentor, has reportedly been hiding out for several years in a bunker fashioned from one of Arthur Erickson’s “atmospheric social/study areas” in the basement of the Classroom Complex.
From this (gotta lotta) nerve center, Todd orchestrates the loudmouthed profs’ disgruntled e-mail crusades, violent outbursts, and media confrontations with the skill of a master bureaucrat. According to Todd, the fact the Administration has recently acquired nuclear capability has cooled the arms race somewhat.
“That was a real loss,” Todd said, remembering the incident. “The Administration slipped some Prozac into the Physics Deptartment’s coffee supply, and they all turned traitor.”
As a result of the assured mutual destruction that will result from a direct nuclear conflict, the current race is not one of weapons, but of campus surveillance. The professors and Administration are now locked in a deadly campaign to install moving camera eyes in the various paintings and sculptures around campus. If there’s an eye in it somewhere, chances are it’s already been replaced with the latest in electronic surveillance technology.
“You know that big stupid obituary eye thing in the North Concourse? That’s one of ours,” Todd said. “But that new painting over the stairway leading to the South Concourse, you know, the chick with the face? That’s one of theirs. As for the bust of Terry Fox, we got to that one at the same time. The left eye is theirs, and the right eye is ours. It’s been tough keeping our edge, though. We’ve lost a lot of good men in this damn war.”
However, the race for surveillance supremacy has not completely ended the arms buildup, as recent in the media have attested. When asked about the suspension of linguistics professor Hector Hammerly for possession of an illegal weapon and threatening a university employee, Todd gazed wistfully into space and chomped on his cigar for a few moments before responding.
“Hammerly was a good man,” he said. “One of our best. But he got careless.”
The removal of professor Hammerly from campus, in addition to the loss of another key player in the English department who was “iced” by Rudrum for an unforgivable comma fault, has thinned the loudmouthed profs’ ranks somewhat, but they haven’t lost hope.
A recent triumph for the profs has been the invaluable behind-the-scenes support from ex-Campus Security Chief Ralph Yeomans, who was ejected from campus in 1995 for allegedly assaulting his wife at a Campus Security Christmas party. “He ain’t a prof,” said Todd, “but what can I say? He’s got the right attitude.”
Friends, it’s a great day for academic freedom. Breathe deeply. •
Originally published in Peak spoof issue “The Clique”, May 5 1997. This spoof story continues in Simon Fraser PI: A hard-boiled interview.
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