The greatest headlines
ruthlessly conquer the eye
but yet are humble
This was the final Wasting My Youth column. As you’ll see, I didn’t quite go out on a song.
As I walk the halls
people look the other way
babies spit at me.
My recent columns
not received well by public
school festers with rage.
I graduate now
what shall my legacy be?
must leave on high note.
I know what to do
write last column in haiku
that will cheer them up.
* * *
I told God I wished
to write haiku for my bread
professional-like.
And alas, He said,
“Your haikus are good, kid, but
don’t quit your day job.”
I had no day job
so I am forced to assume
that God was joking.
* * *
Ends are hard to meet
in today’s haiku workplace
market lean as dog.
Breakthrough I desired
biggest publisher I found
my best poem I gave:
Sun burns like velvet
hummingbird’s dance a ballet
flower is willing.
This beauty they took
to Haiku Focus Group ‘D’
they changed it to this:
Sun drives Chevrolet
hummingbird shops at Wal-Mart
flower drinks Pepsi.
The Japanese say
“I’ll go haiku on your ass”
now I understand.
* * *
Right-wing haiku tank
Fraser Haiku Institute
has an agenda.
Oil stains the lilies
but lilies have no money
so it matters not.
Must put up a fence
charge dollar for what was free
grow economy.
Private enterprise
is none of your business
because it’s private.
* * *
Is it possible
to write haiku limerick?
let’s give it a whirl.
A woman from Leeds
did many unpleasant deeds
water flows lightly.
Damn, it didn’t work
Ireland-Japan relations
remain turbulent.
* * *
In Bad Bill’s saloon
haikus are considered rude
many killed for less.
* * *
If poetry fails
I shall reside in a cave
advice I shall give:
“If you want envy
of other elderly men
wear a fake bald spot.”
“If you wish to say
something never said before
then shut up you must."
“Corporate haiku
is getting too commercial
read indie haiku.”
“The winning numbers
in the haiku lottery
are five, seven, five.”
“To sell your futon
be careful! don’t miss deadline
for Peak classifieds.”
* * *
This is not a haiku
the first line has too many syllables
and so do the second and third.
* * *
Came to SFU
in fall nineteen ninety two
my road was long, yes.
Now I must away
but someday I may return
if life I get not.
In the coming years
may all my loyal subjects
look on this and think:
My drivel in Peak
a little silver lining
on a dark’ning cloud. •
Originally published in The Peak, April 8 2002.
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