Infamous Peak horoscope is back from vacation in limbo
(or “The return of the native Sagaittarian”)
When you pick up an off-campus paper and read your horoscope, you probably think you’re getting an accurate prediction of the events soon to occur in your life. Well, I hate to burst your bubble (actually, I’m just being polite—I love to burst your bubble) but, as usual, you’re wrong.
Simon Fraser University is in a peculiar astrological situation—due to our high elevation and unique location, the stars and planets look completely different from up here. This changes everything, horoscopically speaking, and since you are all students here, this affects you whether you like it or not.
To ensure that the students of SFU get the accurate astrological forecasts they so desperately need, SFU clearly needs its own, tenured, astrologer—and that astrologer, dear students, is myself. So stop getting the wrong idea from all of those inaccurate, off-hill pretenders! From now on, these must be the only horoscopes you read!
You will quickly notice something very unusual about my horoscopes—they tell the truth. My incredible paranormal powers of the mind give me the ability to see astrological portents with absolute accuracy—and that, unfortunately, means slightly less optimism than traditional horoscopes. You see, mainstream commercial horoscopes deliberately misread the stars to make your life seem positive and happy—believe me, the movements of the stars and planets are just as pathetic, screwed up and dreary as life here on Earth.
You won’t be getting any of that “Love is dawning in your life” or “your inner creativity yearns for expression” crap from me; if you want to live your life in a deluded state where you actually believe you’re special and the future is bright, then by all means go right ahead and slurp the prognosticatory pablum of the mainstream press. I care not for irrational optimism or mass appeal—I just write what the stars tell me, and sometimes it just ain’t pretty.
Yes folks, the Peak horoscope has returned. Some of you may recall the circumstances under which it left The Peak that fateful day two-and-a-half years ago. For those of you who don’t remember, suffice to say it was all very nasty, and my aura still gets all paisley and imbalanced when I think about it. However, my Ouija board recently told me that two-and-a-half years is quite long enough to hold a grudge against a student newspaper, even The Peak. This sound advice, coupled with a freak planetary alignment that leaves me no other choice, has compelled me to return to active duty as SFU’s Astrologer Laureate.
In preparation for my return, I have completed a vigorous spiritual regimen intended to enhance my psychic powers. Super-secret oils were rubbed onto my penis by friendly robed men at super-secret Mormon temple ceremonies. Chiropractors adjusted the most psychic vertebrae of my spine. My chakras were overhauled, my meridians were redrawn, my appendix was psychically removed (three times!), and I learned how to bend a wide array of cutlery using only my fingers. The only thing I didn’t do was have my head examined.
I’m sure you’ll find the column’s quality has dramatically improved, for my incredible paranormal powers of the mind have increased exponentially since the last time I gazed at the firmament. In fact, at this very moment as I type this very sentence, I am nothing less than imfallible.
The Imfallible Horoscope is a free public service for the SFU community. Read, believe, and OBEY. •
Originally published in The Peak, January 12 1998.
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