The Imfallible Horoscope
(6 parts, plus bonus material)
My satirical horoscope column The Imfallible Horoscope ran in The Peak from 1994-1995 and 1998-2001. These are the sample columns I included in the Wasting My Youth manuscript. For best results, read in numerical order. Enjoy.
Something is afoot in the Zodiac this week. Something dark. Something evil.
Today’s entry of Mars into Capricorn will result in 0.056 seconds of world peace on Saturday afternoon.
This week the planets will abruptly drop that touchy-feely-helping-you-with-your-life crap, and place the solar system in the iron grip of fascist rule.
Later this week, cosmic budget cuts will result in the job descriptions of Santa Claus and the Grim Reaper being merged. So be good, for goodness sake.
Neptune in Pisces makes this an excellent week to have wild, uninhibited sex with your astrologer.
Put the paper down. I really don’t think you should see this.
Another year, another set of imfallible predicitons. Clip them! Save them! And watch them come true!
Warning: The below horoscope-related pieces are excessively self-aggrandizing and are of interest only to those who will read pretty much anything.
I tell readers what to expect from my resurrected horoscope column, which had been absent from the paper for two-and-a-half years.
On the occasion of my 101st horoscope column, I pause to pat myself on the back and berate my fans for not being fanatical enough.