The Imfallible Horoscope #6
^ Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Put the paper down. I really don’t think you should see this.
_ Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Together, you have no hope for the future. Lame small talk offends crippled dwarf. A vat of raw sewage appears on your doorstep, as if you didn’t have enough responsibilities already.
` Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
The jig’s up, leaves you reeling. Bananas emanate. You’ll be forced to dance in a cage wearing silly underwear tonight—don’t worry, the silly underwear will be provided for you.
a Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Fifth husband fails to appreciate the stress you’re under. Bananas emanate. Sometime between now and September 15, 2027, you will drown during a badly-timed portage.
b Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Word of mouth is the tongue of God. Gift of horse is the mouth of Christ. Genuflect, rinse, repeat.
c Virgo (August 23 - Sept. 22)
From all of the effort you’ve put into that there carrot patch, I’d almost think you was gettin’ ready to pull somethin’. When you read the words ‘bananas emanate’ in a few moments, you’ll experience déjà vu and convince yourself you have psychic powers. Bananas emanate.
d Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
Every time you ‘fledge,’ it gets more difficult somehow. Nababas ameneta. Later today you’ll be dismembered in a car accident—but if it’s any consolation, the Libran Moon’s aspects to Jupiter and Saturn will help to minimize the bleeding.
e Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
Horoscope from another newspaper takes you by surprise—it’s the same day, but the horoscopes for Scorpio are completely different! One of those astrologers is obviously a fraud.
f Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
For another human being to do such a heinous thing—he must dislike you for some reason. Controversial eugenics experiment is supported only by Eugene. Avoid using the word ‘cunt,’ no matter how clever you think you’re being.
g Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Another oogonioum ain’t gonna do it, honey. Ambulance crew arrives at convent, initiates emergency cunnilingus. You will be remembered for your dedication to your children, your love of song, and your hatred for the Vietnamese.
h Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Hidden feelings surface later this week, make you hide stuff. You’ll receive cunnilingus from Pinnochio, find yourself shouting, “Lie to me, baby! Oh, lie to me!” You will be remembered for your quiet egotism and extensive misquoting of Keats.
i Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Message from Virgo involves shit, barbiturates, haggling. Cunnilingus involves caveat. You won’t be remembered.
HEY KIDS! Put together the first word from every horoscope and decipher the HIDDEN MESSAGE! •
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