Full alphabetical index
It’s all here, folks. The good, the bad and the ugly. Abandon hope, all ye who enter here!
A B C D E F G H I J L M N O P R S T W Y
An attempt to withdraw money from a cash machine triggers a humiliating bout of public self-destruction. Part 1 of Tales of the subconscious.
A moribund date takes a dangerous turn when I unwittingly walk into the slavering jaws of peril. Part 2 of Tales of the subconscious.
Behold the first (and last) installment of pirate L. J. Silver’s nationally-syndicated column, “In the Drink”.
I accidentally swallow a large quantity of horseradish at the movies. What will the homosexuals think? Part 3 of Tales of the subconscious.
Fat hairy white guys don’t drive city buses for the money—they do it for the sweet lovin’. A terrifying glimpse into the twilight world of bus groupies! Part 2½ of Memoirs of a recovering ex-roommate.
The roommates of #204 are on the brink of civil war. Can harmony be restored through the healing power of breast implants? Part 4 of Memoirs of a recovering ex-roommate.
My ego takes a flushing when I can’t figure out how to operate a Czech toilet. Part 2 of Wasting My Youth in Prague.
Looking for quality porn, at rock-bottom prices? Be sure to visit your local Christian church. Warning: contains demonic rape!
I go to Los Angeles and live out a boyhood fantasy—too bad I’m not a boy any more. The story of the day I joined the studio audience of The Price is Right.
War stories from the front lines, headlines, bylines and cutlines of student journalism.
I may be bound by a nondisclosure agreement, but I still want my pound of flesh. Bastards!
How did I live over 25 years and not learn that hairdressers expect to be tipped? And what else don’t I know?
When a shitty car spontaneously combusts on campus, I have no choice but to risk my life for a photo. Part 2 of Confessions of a student journalist.
My name is Ozymandias, king of kings. Look on my car, ye mighty, and despair.
Time passes at the speed of life when you’re having the time of your light. Conclusion of Wasting My Youth in Prague.
Are you possessed by a demon? Probably. I watch a controversial exorcist get his exercise at a fundamentalist Christian prayer rally.
I was broke. I needed money. I prostituted myself for science.
I have sex with my roommate, and guess what? I live to regret it. Part 2 of Memoirs of a recovering ex-roommate.
Some black boxes are best left in a trench at the bottom of the ocean. This story is so tragic, there’s even a dead bunny in it. Part 1 of I met her on the Internet.
I was 26. She was 39. You do the math. Warning: contains unwelcome scatology! Part 3 of I met her on the Internet.
SFU’s loudmouthed profs are as mad as hell, and they aren’t going to take it any more.
A deliberately frivolous and altogether silly interview with the notorious Rachel Marsden, one of SFU’s most controversial students.
Want to put a dying relationship out of its misery? Try a threesome.
Dive deep into the twisted psyche of Brad, one of the vilest people I’ve had the displeasure to know. Part 4¾ of Memoirs of a recovering ex-roommate.
Angst and self-loathing collide on the dimly-lit road to my high-school reunion. Is murder the answer to my woes?
The story of the worst night I ever spent in a youth hostel. Warning: contains gratuitous violence, drug abuse and man-on-man urination!
A galactic first
a column all in haiku
hold your applause, please.
He tried his best, but Mr. Hustler Pimp Drug-Dealer Guy couldn’t convince me that I speak German. Part 10 of Wasting My Youth in Prague.
On the occasion of my 101st horoscope column, I pause to pat myself on the back and berate my fans for not being fanatical enough.
I engage in a dramatic battle of wits with pickpockets on the thief-infested Prague metro—and lose. Part 6 of Wasting My Youth in Prague.
It didn’t work out. Part 2 of Sex and sects.
It didn’t work out. The damning conclusion of Sex and sects.
It didn’t work out. Part 1 of Sex and sects.
Once upon a time, the Internet was a strange and exotic place to meet insane women. At least, it was for me. Features During the crash, we may experience some turbulence, Judgment Date and more.
Sample columns from my long-running satirical horoscope. Includes material from the legendary “Cuntscope”.
I tell readers what to expect from my horoscope, which had just been resurrected after a 2.5 year hiatus.
A classic interview with a campus icon: a library employee who always wears purple clothes. A personal favourite.
The shocking true story of my two-night stand with Canada’s controversial Olympic gold medalist, and its shameful legacy for my family.
The best dates are the ones where she tells you you’re going to Hell. Part 2 of I met her on the Internet.
I go to a hockey game and get sucked into a seething cesspool of pure evil. As you do.
Ever had a bipolar, patholigically-lying, nymphomaniac roommate who attacked you with a knife? Been there. Part 1 of Memoirs of a recovering ex-roommate.
That whole “guy goes out on a date with a girl who turns out to be a dude” thing is an urban legend, right? Wrong. Part 4 of I met her on the Internet.
A co-worker can’t bear to tell his mother he has terminal cancer, so he recruits me into his plot to tell her indirectly. Part 5 of Confessions of a student journalist.
My valiant attempt to hit an evil market research firm where it hurts the most: the database.
I arrive in Europe to discover that it’s—different. Part 1 of Wasting My Youth in Prague.
Tales of the five horrible roommates that led me to swear off cohabitation forever. Features The Loxapac chronicles, Don’t screw the crew, Future Stockbrokers of America, Wart and more.
This was my Peak swan song. As you might expect, I pet a few bunnies and grind a few axes on my way out.
I celebrate my birthday with a walk on what many people believe to be “the wild side”.
The restaurant is trying to rip me off. I fight back. Part 3 of Wasting My Youth in Prague.
Hideous synchronicity strikes when I encounter a famous pop singer and an evil force from my past.
Welcome to Prague, a world leader in “unpolite” customer service. Part 7 of Wasting My Youth in Prague.
Nothing ruins your day like a false tooth trying to escape. Features a candid dental x-ray!
Flying blobs of molten glass, buried munitions, oversexed hermits and other Bohemian hazards. Part 5 of Wasting My Youth in Prague.
It hurts when someone steals your childhood memories. Especially when that someone is your so-called best friend.
The paper’s editors censure me for using “offensively racist” language. As opposed to “inoffensively racist” language? Part 8 of Confessions of a student journalist.
If campus politics is a joke, this candidate is the punch line. Porn, alcohol and vomit collide in this unique political endorsement.
My disgruntled penis takes on one of the world’s leading condom manufacturers. A Goliath-versus-Goliath story.
As I stood on the brink of annihilating a third of the human race, I have to admit I had second thoughts.
Readers, including God himself, are enraged by a recent article about the gravy loss that may or may not occur when a meat pie is overcooked.
Editorials and opinion pieces I wrote for The Peak, some of which relate to issues raised in Wasting My Youth. Generally not of interest now, but if you want them, here they are.
People were making up ‘9/11’ jokes only hours after the planes hit the Pentagon and World Trade Center. What’s up with that?
There was a lot of publicity when they changed the ten-dollar bill, but obviously not enough. Because this goofball cashier refuses to take it.
A streetside encounter with a photo radar van unlocks the grand mysteries of the human condition.
Following the example of pop star Britney Spears, famous porn actor Randy Spears declares that he is a virgin.
Fictional readers of fictional newspaper The Prostate are very, very angry.
A fictional reader of fictional newspaper The Prostate is very, very sad.
Another year, another set of imfallible psychic predictions. Clip them! Save them! And watch them come true!
I take a wizened look back at my interminable career in student journalism. The conclusion of Confessions of a student journalist, and the final chapter of the unpublished Wasting My Youth book.
When the Campus Crusade for Christ carries crosses around the university to promote a Christian rock concert, I respond with this snot-nosed news brief.
A looming public transit strike triggers fond (and not so fond) memories of a decade riding Vancouver buses. This column got me publicly censured for racism by the paper’s editors.
Want to have a terrible threesome? Invite God into your bed. Features I fucked a Mormon, I fucked a Catholic and I fucked a Jehovah’s Witness.
You don’t have to be sexually depraved to work at The Peak. But it helps. Part 3 of Confessions of a student journalist.
Millennial fears grip the Simon Fraser University campus on the eve of SFU’s 100th semester.
I put the squeeze on a decidely noirish H. Bogie, the SFU admnistration’s private investigator.
There are mistranslations of English, and there are hilariously insulting mistranslations of English. Part 4 of Wasting My Youth in Prague.
Medieval artists loved nothing more than to inflict suffering on poor ol’ Jesus Christ. But has He suffered enough? Part 8 of Wasting My Youth in Prague.
I fondly reminisce about a completely fictional year of teaching English in South Korea.
When a comic-strip heroine gets spanked, a campus witch-hunt ensues. Warning: contains the worst kind of pornography! Part 6 of Confessions of a student journalist.
When things get dangerous, my subconscious mind leaps to the rescue. Includes An appalling spectacle of human error, Asphaltwalker, A bit of spice and To dream, perchance to sleep.
I vow to the world that I will live alone forevermore—and can you blame me? The manifesto-ey conclusion of Memoirs of a recovering ex-roommate.
My friend was born with three testicles and a foreskin. Now he has two testicles and no foreskin. What the hell happened?
Notable events that took place on January 4, from 560 million years B.C. to 2547 A.D.
I try absinth, and learn that you can’t be driven insane if you’re insane already. Part 9 of Wasting My Youth in Prague.
Insomnia is bad enough, but I could really do without the hallucinogenic quasi-dream state. Part 4 of Tales of the subconscious.
He’s a cheat, a liar, a philanderer and a thief, and his dog is incontinent. Meet Wart. Part 4½ of Memoirs of a recovering ex-roommate.
The epic saga of my summer semester in Prague, filed via the Internet in May-July 2001.
I run afoul of a clique of politically-correct vegetarians, and discover my destiny. Part 1 of Confessions of a student journalist, and the first chapter of the Wasting My Youth book.
Pathetic mayhem ensues when a co-worker’s gaydar goes hideously awry at a conference of student journalists. Part 7 of Confessions of a student journalist.
The security guard was spying on a shoplifter. I was spying on him. A rare and fascinating glimpse into the twilight world of supermarket law enforcement.
I am related to a famous Canadian murderer. This is the lesson I learned from him.
I get hold of a discount coupon—for sex. Talk about putting the ‘ass’ in ‘crass commercialism’!
Once upon a time, in a more innocent world, it was fun to antagonize Muslims. Part 4 of Confessions of a student journalist.
Politically incorrect mayhem ensues when I share a campus apartment with a slightly mad First Nations student. Part 3 of Memoirs of a recovering ex-roommate.
What did I do when I discovered that my phone was picking up transmissions from the phone next door? The honourable thing, of course. I listened in.
A chance meeting with an ex-girlfriend leads to an astonishing revelation: after we broke up, she wrote, directed and starred in a play about what a shitty boyfriend I was.
A B C D E F G H I J L M N O P R S T W Y