The Wrath of Khan
Confessions of a student journalist part 4
“He’s not the messiah, he’s a very naughty boy.”
—Terry Jones
Monty Python’s Life of Brian
Many times I’ve been asked, “Glen, what sustained you through such a long career in student journalism?”
More than anything, my spirits were bolstered by the countless expressions of encouragement and support from readers who were moved in some way by my work. Take this email, for example:
To: Glen Callender
Subject: YOU MOTHER FUCKER.
Dear FUCK HEAD,
You dare insult the Aga Khan like that in your shit-ass horoscope? You're gonna get in a lot of trouble you piece of shit. I am personly going to make sure you're removed from the Peak's writing staff, and as I am typing this e-mail, I am also typing a letter to the Dean of the University.
The Aga Khan is a religious pinacle, and you have no right tto insult his name. I suggest you grow up and be prepared to suffer the consequences.
-SFU Student
The above missive was in response to a bit I ran in The Imfallible Horoscope:
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
You’re getting sick and tired of anti-nausea pills and stimulants. Forsake cheese. Later this year the Aga Khan will take half your earnings and blow it all on hookers and cocaine.
In case you’re not up on your Islamic spiritual leaders, the Aga Khan is the hereditary spiritual leader of most of the world’s 15 million Ismaili Muslims. Claiming direct lineage from the family of Mohammed, the Aga Khan is one of the world’s richest men, in no small measure because his millions of followers are obliged to give him up to a third of their income, in cash.
Yes, the Aga Khan lives the way any self-respecting prophet ought to: sunning himself on luxury yachts, breeding his hundreds of race horses, collecting expensive art, and glorifying a stylish brand of holy-rolling ostentation that is embraced and emulated by his followers.
Suffice to say, this dude was perfect fodder for the orgasmiconolastic spectacle that was my horoscope. As well, I knew some Ismailis who loved my horoscope, and I thought it was time I targeted their sacred cow for a change.
So I cooked up the “hookers and cocaine” line, my subtle way of suggesting that the Ismaili leader might be as profligate and corrupt as any other stinking-rich aristocrat.
The column hit the stands, and the response from the local Ismaili community was swift. And angry. The letters poured in.
Subject: Ignorance
Mr.Callender,
Your horoscope article in this weeks Peak newspaper was extremely inappropriate. In your attempt to create a humourous article, you have managed to offend not only every Ismaili Muslim on Campus, but the entire Ismaili Community all over the world.
Who exactly do you think you are writing such slanderous material in your article? It is obvious that you are not only ignorant but also iliterate. You know nothing about the Aga Khan and the Ismaili community and have no right to publish such propoganda. Every Ismaili student has taken offence to this article. Please note that further action will be taken against yourself and the Peak editor.
Don’t think that it was just one comment that will be forgoten about. You will have to pay for what you have done.
sincerly
Subject: Horoscopes
I am absolutely appalled at the comment about the Aga Khan under the “libra” section of the horoscopes. Based on this, I realize that you must be an extremely ignorant and unsensitive person to make such an unfounded, repulsive, derogatory and uneducated remark. I am sure you have no idea as to how many people you have angered. Myself, along with many others are outraged at the lack of respect you show for the Ismaili Muslim community at SFU and around the world.
Myself, along with others, pay a fee included in our tuitions to enable The Peak to circulate. Though in the past we have never collected the refund as we are allowed to do so, we have decided that we no longer wish to support a newspaper which makes such blatently offensive remarks.
I would advise you to make a public apology in The Peak as quickly as possible in order to avoid even further serious actions. It is important for you to realize that you have seriously insulted my community and I demand action immediately.
Subject: (none)
You people have alot of nerve insulting the Aga Khan in your horoscope section. As so called editors, how in the world could you let this go to print? This is a good example of the IGNORANCE that still exists in this country today.
I hope all of you get kicked out of school for this.
Shameful! Absoulutely Shameful.
Wow. When I wrote that bit, I had no idea I’d end up offending “the entire Ismaili Community all over the world.” Not bad for a joke horoscope column in a Canadian student newspaper. But would this legion of angry scribes succeed in their bid to get me fired?
Before long I got word that a delegation of Ismaili students was organizing to show up and raise hell at our weekly meeting. So I headed them off at the pass. I ran the above “Dear FUCK HEAD” letter as part of an editorial, which made the campus Ismaili community look so bad that when the delegation arrived a few days later, they were apologetic rather than vengeful.
No attempts were made to get me or anyone else fired. They didn’t even file a formal complaint about the joke, which went on to spark a running debate in our opinion section about the appropriateness of religiously offensive humour in contemporary society.
The public controversy over the Aga Khan bit blew over in a couple of weeks, but on a personal level that joke had permanent consequences. My Ismaili acquaintances never spoke a word to me again—when I entered a room, they would coldly walk out with anger in their eyes.
One of my friends, Mike, even lost a member of his car pool over it, a young woman who had a photo of the Aga Khan on the dashboard of her car. This was their terminal exchange, as he related it to me:
Car pool girl: “Ugh, you know Glen Callender? I hate him.”
Mike: “Why?”
Car pool girl: “Because he insulted my leader. I think he should be kicked out of school for what he wrote.”
Mike: “I grant you that the joke was in poor taste, but on the other hand, isn’t the idea that any leader can’t be subjected to ridicule just one step away from tyrannical fundamentalism?”
Car pool girl: “This conversation is over.”
Mike never rode in her car again.
Although I’d obviously found a devoted following among campus Ismailis, I didn’t make fun of the Aga Khan again. (Well, except for the line “You will discover the Pope and Aga Khan inflagrante delicto in your disused RV,” but I don’t count that one.)
I could say that I held back out of sensitivity to the Ismailis, but in reality, my motivation was simple fear. I’m all for causing a ruckus, but the reaction of some local Ismailis was a bit too thuggish for comfort. When I got word that I “should watch my back”, I felt it was time to move on.
I’ll end this piece with a few comments on the appropriateness of religiously offensive humour in contemporary society. Many think it’s wrong to insult religious icons, but I disagree.
In my view, when you mock peoples’ spiritual leaders you’re actually doing them a back-handed sort of favour, because you’re handing them a golden opportunity to demonstrate how their faith makes them superior human beings. If the faithful respond to your slight with grace and civility, you’ve just made them look good, because they’ve shown themselves to be much more dignified than heathens such as yourself.
If they respond with vulgarities and threats, however, then your gambit has paid off, for you’ve exposed their true nature as hypocrites who claim to be spiritual and enlightened, yet can be stirred to destructive anger by a few immature words. And that, dear reader, is a valuable public service.
Over the years I’ve irritated a lot of religious folks from a lot of different religions, and most have shown themselves to be either as immature or more immature than I am. Which is a terrifying prospect, considering how incredibly immature I am.
That’s why I’d like to conclude by showing my respect, not for the Aga Khan or the millions who uncritically follow him, but for the guy who wrote the following letter:
Subject: horoscope
I read your article refering to the “Aga Khan”, i know it is your right to say what ever you want but instead of writing offensive comments about good person, someone that you probably do not know about, why dont you focus on the kind of people who dereve that type of comment.
just a thought
Kudos to K for penning one of only two polite, non-retaliatory responses to my Aga Khan joke. If more of the responses had been so civil, I might have felt a bit bad about taking a pot shot at the Ismailis’ gazillionaire spiritual leader.
Actually, that’s not true. But it would reflect well on me if it were. •
Completed in 2004 for inclusion in the Wasting My Youth book.
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