On the bus with an XXX
ex-president
It doesn’t matter what school you’re at—chances are your campus politics are a pathetic sham. Only once did I use my influential position at The Peak to endorse a student politician. I’m sure you’ll agree that, under the circumstances, I had no choice.
Friends, it is once again time to elect the smegma-encrusted coven of bloodsucking parasites who will mismanage our student activity fees for another year, accomplishing sweet fuck all in the process.
You may think I am cynical about campus politics. Nothing could be further from the truth. Indeed, something magical happened a few months back that renewed my faith in the entire enterprise.
It happened one night last fall. Myself and two other Peak editors had just finished work, and were on the last bus off campus. We pulled up at the Transportation Centre, and a familiar figure staggered out of the fog and dragged himself onboard. It was none other than ex-Simon Fraser Student Society president Kristjan Arnason, who was memorably impeached in late 1996 for downloading and viewing pornographic images on his office computer.
Arnason had just collected an undisclosed but “pleasantly lucrative” settlement in his slander lawsuit against Global Television for making unsubstantiated claims that he had downloaded kiddie porn and images of bestiality. Arnason’s post-lawsuit pub party had apparently gone very well—any better, and he would have been flat on his face.
So there he was, happily slumped in his seat, slurring and flailing and passing in and out of consciousness. Then he did something very odd. Quietly, nonchalantly, he drew his jacket over his face like a vampire’s cape. At first I thought he was dozing off, but when I looked closer, I realized that he was inconspicuously vomiting into his coat.
“Kristjan, what are you doing?” I asked.
He looked over at me and smiled bashfully. “Uhhh, nawthin mawch,” he said.
I stood and leaned in for a closer look. There was a large quantity of what appeared to be runny oatmeal pooled on his right breast.
“Kristjan, you’ve thrown up on yourself!” I said. He smiled.
“Hey! Don’t do that!” protested the good-natured bus driver, who had overheard our conversation. “Throw up on the floor, man! We’ve got a big hose back at the yard! A big hose!”
“Awwwwwww, why dint ya tell me before?” Arnason moaned, grinning. “I was only tryin’ ta be pawlite.” He started retching again.
“Go for it!” shouted the driver. “Go for it!”
But it was not to be. Even if Arnason’s spirit was willing, his stomach was empty. His heaves were as dry as his shirt wasn’t. Try as he might, he simply could not throw up on the floor of the bus.
And do you know what? As I looked at Kristjan Arnason right then, pissed out of his tree on public transit, retching pitifully and covered in his own vomit, I knew with utter certainty that he is the greatest student society president who ever lived.
Of course, his worth as a student politician had been on display for some time. In his stints as student senator, Forum representative and member of the SFSS executive, Kristjan Arnason proved himself to be stylish, witty, thoughtful, and most importantly, unwilling to continue the tradition of genuflecting to the office workers’ union that has hamstrung our student government for over a decade. Indeed, if not for the porn and the impeachment, I suspect Simon Fraser University would resemble the Garden of Eden today.
But not even his impeachment could extinguish his spirit. This, people, was a man who had the cojones to show up for his impeachment and give the crowd the finger. And this was a man who had the chutzpah to run for re-election four months after he was impeached, campaigning on the PORN! (Progress Oriented Representation Now!) platform.
Then there was his slander lawsuit. Here is a man who is not a pedophile nor a zoophile, yet has managed to parlay this abstinence into a big wad of cash. This says a lot about the man’s abilities. I mean, I’m not a pedophilic zoophile either, but I’ve never got any money out of it. Have you?
And then, finally, there is his greatest gesture—the gesture I witnessed that magical autumn night. For this is a man who would vomit on himself rather than soil the floor of a city bus. Does this not show that Kristjan Arnason is truly a person of the people? Never before have I seen a man be at once so humanitarian, so humane, and most of all, so human.
Now you see why I admire him as I do. Verily, if Pierre Trudeau and Bill Clinton had spawned an unholy love child through an illegal cloning process, and that love child went to SFU, that love child would be Kristjan Arnason. If campus politics is a joke, Kristjan Arnason is the punch line. He was SFU’s best hope, and we had the stupidity to throw him out of office.
But wait! Perhaps the sins of the past can be undone after all—for Kristjan Arnason has once again returned to campus politics! This week he is running for a position on the SFU Board of Governors. Dammit, SFU needs him back!
So I exhort you all to get off your asses, head to the polls and send Kristjan Arnason to the SFU Board of Governors.
For me, the distinction is immediate and visceral. When I think of Kristjan Arnason’s great legacy as a student politician, I want to throw up my arms and cheer—and when I think of the other candidates in this farcical election, I just want to throw up my beer. •
Originally published in The Peak, March 19 2001. Shortly after the election, Kristjan Arnason dropped by The Peak to thank me for the column. He said it was the most balanced and accurate piece ever written about him, and although he didn’t win a seat on the Board of Governors, Arnason credited much of his surprisingly strong showing to my endorsement.
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