Phony as a ten dollar bill
“What the hell is this?” asked the cashier. He pointed at the colourful piece of paper I had just tossed on the counter.
“That’s the new ten dollar bill,” I said. “It just came out this week.”
The cashier looked at me incredulously. He picked up and examined my offering as if it were the flattened and dehydrated carcass of a small rat. A look of bewilderment crossed his face.
I could understand what he was going through. It’s a strange feeling when you first lay eyes on a new piece of currency. I did a double-take myself when a cash machine spat out that same bill earlier in the afternoon. However, I had heard a rumour that the money was changing, so I was able to accept the situation and move on.
The cashier, on the other hand, obviously hadn’t heard about it—and although the tender in his hand was legal, this guy wasn’t buying. He looked at me and frowned.
“I haven’t heard anything about a new ten dollar bill,” he said.
“Well, that’s it,” I said firmly. I looked at him. He looked at me. The cashier was the shy type, and clearly had difficulty being assertive. He was trying to stare me down, but it wasn’t working. I wondered what he would do next.
He stood for a few moments, nervously fingering the ten bucks. Finally, his eyes took on a look of resolve. He put the bill back down on the counter. I was being refused.
Neither of us moved. He looked at me as if to say, “Sir, your money is bogus and I would tell you to your face if I had the balls.” I looked back at him as if to say, “Dude, I am so going to enjoy writing about this later.”
At this point the store manager, who was taking stock nearby, sensed that there was something amiss at the till and walked over. The cashier grabbed the bill from the counter and thrust it at him.
He stared at it, perplexed. “What’s this?” he asked.
“That’s the new ten dollar bill,” I said.
He stared at the slip of paper in his hand and raised a sceptical eyebrow. “I didn’t hear anything about a new ten dollar bill,” he said.
Great. Things were really moving along now.
“Well, that’s it.” I said. “It just came out this week.”
The manager didn’t look convinced. He nervously fingered the bill, just like the cashier.
I suddenly realised why these dudes didn’t believe me. The problem wasn’t how the new ten dollar bill looks—it was how the new ten dollar bill feels. The new ten is printed on different paper. Until we get used to its texture, this new bill simply isn’t going to feel like money.
“I... don’t know,” said the manager, doubtfully. “I don’t know.” Now there were two people staring at me. I would have doubted my own sanity at this point, if I were the doubting type. What were they thinking? That I was some kind of prankster? A rogue art student, perhaps? If so, at least they’d have to give me points for audacity.
I tried to think of something that would convince them that the bill was for real. “It has very sophisticated counterfeit protection,” I offered.
That didn’t help.
“And it has Braille on it,” I added.
The manager looked at me as if to say, “Fuck you, it has Braille on it.” He examined the bill again, and lo, there was Braille. He fondled the dots suspiciously. For a moment he seemed lost in thought.
“All right, you can take it,” he said to the cashier. For some reason, the presence of Braille on the bill had tipped the balances in favour of legitimacy. But not by much. He certainly didn’t look comfortable about taking it. Neither did the cashier. And neither did I, at this point.
I decided to end the torment. “Listen, you can take the old version,” I said. I took an old ten out of my wallet. The manager and cashier visibly relaxed. A great weight had been hoisted from the room. And so, my purchase was completed without further confrontation.
Then it happened. As I walked out of the store, I had a criminal epiphany. I’m not sure why. Perhaps being suspected of counterfeiting had put me in a counterfeiting mindset. But thanks to those two guys, I conceived the perfect scam.
AND NOW, THE PERFECT SCAM.
As you would expect, all of our paper currency will eventually be redesigned in the style of the new ten. According to the Bank of Canada, the redesigned $20, $50 and $100 notes won’t be released for another two to three years. But how many people are aware of this?
Virtually no one knows what the other new bills will look like, or when they will be released. Herein lies the trick.
Since the new ten just came out, people will be expecting to see the new $50 or $100 notes any day now. If you can come up with a redesigned $50 or $100 that looks like it ought to be the real thing, you’re set! After all, what could be easier to counterfeit than a bill nobody has seen? And since people are still unaccustomed to the feel of the new paper, they won’t notice if your fakes aren’t a perfect tactile match.
I freely offer this diabolical scheme to all you aspiring counterfeiters out there. If any of you manage to pull it off, however, I would appreciate a small royalty. Just make sure you pay me in coin. •
Originally published in The Peak, February 5 2001.
♦ ♦ ♦