Psychic predictions for 1998
Clip them! Save them! And watch them come true!
Another year, another set of imfallible psychic predictions. In retrospect, I think this was a particularly astute batch.
The Pope will die! The Pope will die! (Okay, I admit it, this isn’t a prediction—it’s actually more of a request.)
The long-predicted “Big One”—an earthquake registering a stunning 9.3 on the Richter Scale—will finally strike the Lower Mainland at precisiely 5:18 a.m. PST on Thursday, January 22 1998. During this catastrophe, the entire Simon Fraser University campus will burst into flames and slide down the side of Burnaby Mountain into the Barnet Inlet. Not surprisingly, it will take until noon for the administration to declare the campus closed.
The Aga Khan will die! The Aga Khan will die! (See note to the first prediction.)
After a global economic crash next summer, during which the Canadian dollar will become roughly equivalent in value to a cracked piece of American Lego, the bad pun will replace gold as the basis of world currency. This will lead to the rise of a new breed of obnoxious rich person.
Matt Pearson, Peak production resource person, will die! Matt will die! (Actually, I’m just funnin’ with ya. He’s aready dead.)
A book titled Be Miserable and Lose Money for Fun and Profit will be the year’s number one best-seller, followed closely by the perennial classic Lose Friends and Be Influenced by Other People. A 12-step program called Quit 12-step Programs Forever! will also be very popular. A new TV series titled Touched Inappropriately By an Angel will top the Neilsens next fall. And finally, author Stephen King will quit horror writing and write a hugely successful 1300-page cookbook which contains seven recipes.
Next holiday season, Santa Claus
will unveil his daring new look.
The nations of the Middle East will finally resolve their ongoing religious conflicts this spring by renting several hundred million Nerf bats, running out onto a local desert plain and pummeling each other with the brightly-coloured plush toys until they’re all tired out. When tempers flare up again the next day, however, they’ll wish they’d bought those bats.
The moon will be blasted out of Earth’s orbit and be sent rocketing out of our solar system—a year early.
Late this year, Jesus Christ will finally return, and be elected President of the United States of America on the strength of his “bring crucifixion back into American public schools” platform. His first act in office will be to outlaw left turns on all Earthly roads.
Classical Greek deity Zeus, who has been annoyed for centuries about the fact that he isn’t being worshiped any more, will finally invent a form of lightning that is impervious to the effects of the lightning rod. Ah, to be zapping churches again after all these years....
The obsession with self-destruction that has dominated fashion and cosmetic trends since the early ’90s will come to a head this year, when bleeding profusely from open wounds visible through large jagged tears in the garment will be the hot fashion statement.
This May, the lost continent of Atlantis will suddenly rise—about 10 inches. It will remain undiscovered.
Disclaimer: The preceding predictions are NOT ‘for entertainment only.’ Ignore them at your peril. •
Originally published in The Peak, January 19 1998.
♦ ♦ ♦