Porn actor Randy Spears: “I am a virgin”
(Spoof news article)
Once upon a time, teen pop star Britney Spears was an outspoken virgin and darling of the youth abstinence movement. Amused that such a sexually provocative performer would want to be seen as a virgin, I was reminded of another sexually provocative performer named Spears, and the result was this piece.
Adult film veteran Randy Spears, star of Porn on the 4th of July, Sex Trek: The Next Penetration and Vagina Town, shocked the world Saturday by claiming that he is in fact a virgin.
His unexpected announcement was met with skepticism and derision on all sides, including teenaged fans who accuse him of shamelessly jumping on the celebrity chastity bandwagon, and media watchers who believe his positive message on sexuality will be lost amid loud moans and jets of flying semen.
Spears, 38, who rose to fame as the star of over 400 X-rated films, including Welcome to Orgywood, Snatch Masters #34 and Lawyers in Heat, claimed at a press conference that he is “saving himself for marriage.” When it was pointed out to him that he has in fact been married since the late 1980s, Spears quickly changed the subject.
Then it was pointed out that he can be seen having explicit sexual intercourse with countless women in hundreds of hard-core pornographic movies, including I Cream With Genie, Screamin’ Reamers #3: Big Tits Tight Slits, and Search for the Snow Leopard. However, Spears dismissed this as merely “suggestive” and “a lot of spunk and mirrors.”
But reporters were still not finished pointing things out to poor Randy. When they pointed out that Spears in fact has two children by his wife, fellow porn star Danielle Rogers, he finally blew his stack.
“I haven’t had sex with my wife, and even if I did I would never ejaculate inside her,” he shouted. “I am a porn actor, dammit!” There was a general murmur of agreement in the room, and the reporters quietly moved on to the next question.
In the wake of Spears’ controversial claim, many fans are exploring the notion that perhaps Spears was discussing metaphysical virginity as opposed to the physical.
“I mean, I’ve seen Randy open up more asses than a Mexican butcher, so I know he’s not a virgin virgin,” said porn aficionado Shawn Curtis in a phone interview. “Maybe Randy means that he’s a virgin on some vaguely-defined, transcendentally spiritual level.” Further elaboration by Mr. Curtis was unfortunately not possible, as he abruptly orgasmed and hung up.
Whether or not Spears’ claims are technically correct, the true judge, as ever, presides in the court of public opinion. And it appears that media-savvy youngsters aren’t buying into the hype.
“I don’t think it’s cool, the way he fucks all those women and then says he’s a virgin,” says 13-year old Cindy Wilson. “I don’t think he’s sending youth the right message.” •
Originally published in The Peak, May 29 2000.
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