SFU is turning 100—are we all doomed?
(spoof news article)
In the final years of the 20th century, there was widespread concern that worldwide computer failures would plunge the world into chaos on January 1 2000—and if that didn’t get us, Armageddon would. This spoof news article was my contribution to Simon Fraser University’s sense of millennial dread.
This September marks the beginning of SFU’s 100th semester since it first opened its doors in September 1965. As the university enters this brave new ‘centimester,’ the question on everybody’s lips is, “What could this mean?”
Religious explanations for ‘the semester 100’ abound. “I can’t believe that random chance is responsible for me living in this era of history and arriving at SFU just in time to witness such a crucial event,” said first-year student N.T. Beyer. “I see the hand of God in this, not to mention a few other parts of his body.”
Another large group of students, however, believe that the university’s 100th semester has more to do with the Devil than God. SFU’s Department of Apocalyptic Numerology makes a strong case for this premise. “SFU’s 100th semester is recorded by the Registrar as semester 98-3,” says 4th-year Math major Marx Lowe. “And what is the average of the numbers 9, 8, and 3? Exactly 6.66! This is clear evidence that semester 98-3 will be the Semester of Satan.”
When it was suggested that there is an important difference between 666 (the Number of the Beast) and 6.66, Lowe was unfazed. “Ha!” he said. “Satan cares not about decimal points! He is the King of All Evil!”
Religious implications aside, however, there are some very real technological concerns about SFU’s transition from semester 99 to 100. Campus engineers and computing scientists are concerned about the ‘semester 100 bug,’ a computer glitch that could cause all campus computing services to irrevocably crash at the moment semester 100 begins. Taking into account the usual condition of the campus computing network, however, these experts are quick to point out that if this catastrophe does in fact occur, it will be almost impossible to detect.
I really would like to continue to write about this terribly interesting event, but I’m afraid I have to nip out now and participate in a mass suicide. Semester 100 is here! Farewell, and may the bell curve be with you! •
Originally published in The Peak, September 14 1998. Original title: “SFU turns 100—but why?!”
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