This day in history
(Spoof news article)
Notable events that took place on January 4:
560, 472, 875 B.C.
Popular pterodactyl recording artist ‘Squaaaaa!’, well known for her pan-Pangea hits Squaaaaa! To You, Justify My Squaaaaa! and Hey Baby Do Ya Wanna Squaaaaa!, is found dead in her treetop nest, the victim of an apparent small furry mammal overdose. Speculation as to the true cause of her death lingers for over 30 million years.
805 A.D.
Charlemagne, noted for his many contributions to Western civilization, is bitten by a small dog.
1674
Invention of the flesh wound.
1675
Word “arrrrrrrrrrrrrr” coined.
1771
Scottish philosopher and empiricist David Hume puts forward his very popular argument that God, if he exists, can not possibly be Catholic, because he didn’t keep Mary pregnant for 15 years.
1931
First recorded use of extremely stale muffins in large-scale military conflict.
1932
Second recorded use (same muffins).
1949
Joseph Stalin’s personal physician diagnoses him with bulimia. It would be the last such diagnosis he would make.
1978
The notorious Gambino crime syndicate goes Metric.
1997
The critically-acclaimed January 1997 issue of Shaved hits the stands.
1999
The state of Georgia attempts to ‘glam up’ its death penalty by instituting bungee hangings.
2000
The Peak is destroyed by a terrorist’s bomb which was intended for another newspaper. Paper quality dips slightly.
2547
The leader of the Hor’Glanth Synod decrees that a human be appointed to the Synod as an advisor. Although this was the first official political recognition of the human race since the Hor’Glanth invasion of 2008, this was in fact merely a figurehead position. A position with any real power attached to it was not to be granted to a human for another six hundred years. •
Originally published in Peak spoof issue The National Peak, January 4 1999. Spoof column Avast, ye swabs! also appeared in this issue.
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