The world’s oldest promotion
There I was, sitting on a restroom toilet in B.C. Place, Vancouver’s landmark football stadium. Unfortunately, the stall was recently painted and I was denied the usual high art and stimulating debate. I had almost given up on the cultural component of my visit when I noticed a slip of paper sitting atop the toilet paper dispenser:
For those of you who haven’t figured it out already, I had just come into possession of a discount coupon for a prostitute. Of all the toilet stalls in all the domed stadiums in all the world, it walked into mine.
Now, for those of you who avail yourselves of such services (and I know you’re out there), I’m sure this sex coupon business doesn’t strike you as at all strange. Now that I think about it, I suspect johns have flashed coupons with their cash for millennia. But—call me sheltered if you must—this is the first I’ve heard of it.
I must ask, is this coupon a mere harlotbinger of even greater bargains to be found? “Want more bang for your buck? Then slide on into our Boxing Day Blow-Blow-Blowout! Classy and memorable ladies of all ages and ethnic backgrounds at crack whore prices! Deep discounts on all major sex acts! Oral sex at below cost! (5 per location). The savings are sin-sin-sational!”
I did some (discreet) research on this question, and learned that there are discounts and deals available at escort agencies and pleasure spas all over Vancouver. For example, at Madame Cleo’s and Platinum Club—two of the city’s swankiest massage parlours—there are special times when you can get two classy ladies for the price of one. And as for “happy hour” at Madame Cleo’s... well, I don’t even want to guess what that means. But I’m sure it’s good fun, and not too hard on the lump in your wallet.
And that’s not all! Coupons and off-peak specials are just the tip of the ice cube that caresses the distended nipple that is customer promotion in the modern world of nookie purveyance. Competition is stiff, and if you want to retail tail you’ve got do more than just knock a few bucks off your fucks. Note that in addition to a 10 per cent discount, the above coupon also offers a chance to win a new car or vacation! Copulate and win!
However, it seems to me there are some obvious pitfalls to this business of raffling off prizes to your punters. Given that a large percentage of the clientele are married men who need things kept hush-hush, doesn’t prize-giving somewhat damage the discretion factor? How would you explain it to your wife if you won something from an escort agency? Or would your new car mysteriously appear in your garage, wrapped in plain brown paper, with no return address?
In the interests of better business, I would like to suggest some other ways the adult services set could promote their product. First, you should try wooing first-time customers with freebies. Not necessarily freebie sex—I can see how that wouldn’t work out—but freebie other things. Like makeup bags or compilation CDs. If this tactic sells magazine subscriptions, I can’t see why it wouldn’t sell sex. And how about a “frequent fornicator” program, which rewards repeat customers with complimentary trysts? “Club O” points, anybody?
And let’s not forget Air Miles! The escort agency or gentlemen’s spa that offers Air Miles will be ahead of the pack. Consider my parents, for example. Mum and Dad are retired now, and all they seem to care about these days is collecting Air Miles. If Air Miles influences where my parents buy gasoline, it would certainly influence where they buy sex. (If they buy sex, that is. Which they don’t. At least, as far as I know.) And if your customer had sex with an escort during a flight he purchased with Air Miles, he could join the exclusive Air Mile-High Club!
But I digress. I will conclude with some thoughts on how this restroom revelation could change my life forever.
You see, a few years back I searched my soul and decided that I was not interested in paying for sex. But then again, that was before I had a coupon. I didn’t try pitch-and-putt golf until I had a coupon. Same goes for indoor rock climbing and Malaysian cuisine. I thought I was morally and ethically opposed to all of these things until a well-targeted coupon hit its mark. Coupons have a way of opening the closed mind to the wonders of life’s possibilities—so perhaps this is the coupon that will change my attitude towards buying sex. Mention the coupon, slip on a condom, and head on down the road to johndom. It all seems so easy... and reasonably priced.
However, I must note that this is no longer a dilemma I should have to face. After all, in the world of business—be it supermarkets, sleuthing or sex—there is a fundamental principle that cannot be denied: “If I scratch your back, you ought to massage mine.” Let me tell you, after all the promo I’ve given them in this piece, I’m going to be downright miffed if Casablanca Escort Services, Madame Cleo’s and Platinum Club don’t get in touch and offer me a freebie.
Ladies, I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. •
Originally published in The Peak, Jan 15 2001.
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From: Casablanca ESCORTS
Subject: The world’s oldest promotion
Loved it!!! If you ever need our services give us a call!
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To: Casablanca ESCORTS
Subject: Re: The world’s oldest promotion
Glad you enjoyed the piece. For clarity’s sake, was “If you ever need our services give us a call!” your subtle way of offering me that freebie I mentioned?
Regards,
Alas, I still await a reply. And since it appears that Casablanca Escort Services no longer exists—possibly due to lackluster coupon redemptions—I doubt a reply will ever... come. Sigh.
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